Here is the truth behind pretty much everything that I dealt with in high school. I did leave a lot of stuff out like the times I was genuinely happy because that isn't what I've been keeping hidden.
Keep Reading If You Dare:
Lets start with Freshman year I had some great classes and my friends were always around me, it was hard dealing with daily life and typical teenage bullshit not a lot of my friends know that this was the year that my depression started to really take root.
Going to the school I was going to a lot of the kids didn't like me; especially the black girls in my grade who made it their life goal to talk shit about me whenever they saw me but in this situation I didn't really care, I was just more confused as to why I was such a big problem for them was it my styles, my hair or even the way I spoke... was I just not "black" enough? Did I "act" too white? I'll never know. I did get talked about because of my weight, the way I dressed and the way I look but because I felt that it was better to pretend I just didn't care, I kept a lot of the hurt stuff in and soon I started hurting myself. My cutting started when I was in grade 8 but it was rare when I did it, it got worse when I entered grade 9 and the only one who knew was one of my best friends at the time. This is when I really started to become two different people; the happy go lucky person who didn't care and depressed girl with no positive outlook on life that only I knew.
Sophomore year was the year that shit got too fucking bad. Over the summer a girl I considered my best friend "changed" and I made it my mission to not only treat her like shit but to get everyone to do the same because I thought she was acting "fake", looking back I was the fake one all along. I was so fucked up in my on mind that I wanted to fuck up someone else's life thinking it would make me feel better. When school started I turned my back on her and just did/said awful things. Around September I decided to leave public school to do Independent Studies and a lot of my friends assumed it had something to do with the girl who I treated horribly, but in actuality it was because I was beyond the point where cutting just wasn't enough and suicidal thoughts became apart of my everyday thinking, and school only made it worse. Being around a bunch of people literally repulsed me and drained my energy to the point where I would just go home and sleep for hours, wake up and go back to sleep and then repeat the process over the next day. Going into IS put a lot of things in perspective for me and I got back to a bit better and I realized how childish and horrible I was being and apologized to the girl. I don't think I will ever be able to apologize enough to her.
I decided to go back to my high school Junior year because I really did miss my friends. The beginning was really fun because we were all together again and I was actually quite happy, but of course nothing good last for me and I started getting bad again. The same thing that happened the year before happened here all I wanted to do was sleep because school would just drain my energy and the people were just there. I would just not go to school for days at a time because I really didn't want to be there so my grades started slipping to the point where they put me in a lower math class because I didn't do the work. I really didn't care and when I was at school if I wasn't at lunch or in choir I couldn't be bothered to try. My mother came up with the idea to move to Arizona and I was all for it because life in California just wasn't safe for me anymore I was done with the schools and the people. I wanted to start a life where people didn't know me and I could just start over. I knew the moment it was definite that we were moving that leaving my friends would be the hardest thing for me because they were the reason I hadn't killed myself they didn't/don't know that (they do now if they read this).
I moved to Arizona in January of 2011; I got my grades together and tried to be a happier person I got a new set of friends everything was pretty good for the rest of that school year rarely any depression, no cutting and no suicidal ideology that plagued me in all my other school years.
*Story Break* A little on my relationship with my dad
After a certain age (around when my parents got divorced) I started to realize that my dad wasn't a good person, and I didn't want to be around him. My dad has said a lot of horrible things to me and I'll write about it one day.
*Back To The Story*
I know the except moment I got bad again it was the second month into my senior year when my dad came to visit my brother and sister in Arizona. My dad is bipolar and when he isn't on his pills he is a complete asshole which a lot of the time. I was sitting in my room one night when he just walked into my room out of nowhere and whispered "You got your wish" to me, I broke down the moment he walked out of room because I had no idea what happened and I could he hear him outside my door talking a bunch of nonsense about things I never said, my mother woke up checked on me and took him the the greyhound station. After that I started reverting back to my old self, I started pushing my friends away and taking up old habits (cutting). I would stay up all night because me falling asleep at a decent time literally became impossible, when I did fall asleep it was as soon as I got home from school and it just became a vicious cycle. Sleeping became my only vice again because being awake was just an awful reminder that I was me, when I was up and alone I would spend that time crying until I felt like I couldn't cry anymore.
I finished mandatory schooling by graduating with a 4.0 GPA, so there was the light. All in all I'm glad I moved to Arizona because I know for a fact I wouldn't have graduated on time if I stayed in California. I still struggle with a lot of things as previous post have shown, but I'm just glad high school isn't one of them anymore.
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