Life Is Just Too Much

I just really want to give up on everything right now.
 I'll never accomplish the things I want to accomplish.
 I try and try and NOTHING ever works out and I'm getting so tired of trying and being useless.
Fuck anxiety and fuck depression, I hate that they rule my life. I hate that to everyone it seems that my lack of trying is due to laziness. I'm a useless being who has nothing to contribute to the world.
Why an I like this?
I don't want to be
I want to work
I want to go out
but I can't, I just can't.

The Truth

Here is the truth behind pretty much everything that I dealt with in high school. I did leave a lot of stuff out like the times I was genuinely happy because that isn't what I've been keeping hidden.

Keep Reading If You Dare:

What I want out of life:

I want to do something that makes me happy, yet I’m able to survive comfortably. As in, I don’t need to have a lot of money but enough where I can spoil myself from time to time.
I want to travel the world, and experience new things.


I want to make my mum proud of me.


I want to find someone who will love me for me, and won’t mind my flaws and I shall do the same. I want this person to understand how I feel and is willing to deal with my problems and I will do the same. I want someone I can be immature with, but at the same time we can hold deep conversations. I just want someone to love me… (I feel like this will never happen.. and I will be alone forever)


I want to be able to say I’m truly happy with the person I am, without doubt.


and yet I feel like these are things that will never happen….

No one can help me because I cant even help myself.

The Post

Nothing makes me realize how much I hate my life like cleaning up toilet water out of my room and bathroom after my brother floods my bathroom when he should be in bed. Anyone would say "oh it was just an accident he didn't mean to do it" and that is fine it isnt about that. It's about the fact that I can't ever be happy or just have some sort of happiness for long periods of time. Everything goes wrong and I just don't care anymore. From my mediocrity at everything to my inability to achieve even the simplest task that i set for myself. There is nothing in this world that I see myself doing or becoming so what is the point of college? The things that could make me somewhat happy I cant get or have. I can't  go out into the world because everyone and everything scares me to an extent. I don't trust myself so Im sure as hell not going to trust some random on the street, I see everyone and everything as a threat to me.

I have never liked myself or anything I do. The confidence and self assurances is just an act to fool people into thinking I am happy, so they don't bug me. Everything little thing that goes wrong in my life is a huge disappointment even though I expect it. I rather be alone then with anyone because I don't want to have to pretend like I care about anything that is going on...

There is so much more I want to say... but I can't even do that right because my mind is a fucking mess.

I have wrote these same things time and time again..

Im a broken record.

Why am I like this?

I'm sad for some reason, but then again I always am.

Heart

I want someone who can like what I like and vice versa. I want someone who understands that my sleeping schedule is off. I want someone who doesn't judge me for my past. I want someone who will tolerate the lame shows I watch, the music I listen to, and the books I read (especially when I freak out when something happens). Someone who will go from watching Jurassic Park to Bambi to some documentary about the ocean. Someone who like to sleep all day and feels no need go out to have fun but when we do it is an adventure. Someone who loves the little things like I do; like the smell right before it rains or the big things like our favourite book being turned into a film with our dream cast. Someone who can get me into stuff they like as I will do the same. Someone who can accept my worry and fear and helps me conquer them. Someone I'm not afraid to cry around. Someone who can help me see the beauty in my flaws. I want someone who I can just let all my walls and barriers down and be one hundred percent myself, someone who will see the good, the bad, the ugly, and so much more & for them I will do the same.

I just want someone to love me.