Cry For Help?

Haven't been in the best of places lately. I'm starting to get bad again and it the worst I've ever been. It has a lot to do with all the pressure my mother and others are putting on me about my future and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've never talked to anyone one about my problems and it's starting to affect me more and more and I have no idea how to bring it up or talk about it but I need help. I feel no one can help me but myself and I just don't know how... I want to not have to deal with anxiety and depression they are getting in the way of my dream of going to London and just living my life.

I need help.
I want to be normal.

Life Is Just Too Much

I just really want to give up on everything right now.
 I'll never accomplish the things I want to accomplish.
 I try and try and NOTHING ever works out and I'm getting so tired of trying and being useless.
Fuck anxiety and fuck depression, I hate that they rule my life. I hate that to everyone it seems that my lack of trying is due to laziness. I'm a useless being who has nothing to contribute to the world.
Why an I like this?
I don't want to be
I want to work
I want to go out
but I can't, I just can't.

The Truth

Here is the truth behind pretty much everything that I dealt with in high school. I did leave a lot of stuff out like the times I was genuinely happy because that isn't what I've been keeping hidden.

Keep Reading If You Dare:

What I want out of life:

I want to do something that makes me happy, yet I’m able to survive comfortably. As in, I don’t need to have a lot of money but enough where I can spoil myself from time to time.
I want to travel the world, and experience new things.


I want to make my mum proud of me.


I want to find someone who will love me for me, and won’t mind my flaws and I shall do the same. I want this person to understand how I feel and is willing to deal with my problems and I will do the same. I want someone I can be immature with, but at the same time we can hold deep conversations. I just want someone to love me… (I feel like this will never happen.. and I will be alone forever)


I want to be able to say I’m truly happy with the person I am, without doubt.


and yet I feel like these are things that will never happen….

No one can help me because I cant even help myself.

The Post

Nothing makes me realize how much I hate my life like cleaning up toilet water out of my room and bathroom after my brother floods my bathroom when he should be in bed. Anyone would say "oh it was just an accident he didn't mean to do it" and that is fine it isnt about that. It's about the fact that I can't ever be happy or just have some sort of happiness for long periods of time. Everything goes wrong and I just don't care anymore. From my mediocrity at everything to my inability to achieve even the simplest task that i set for myself. There is nothing in this world that I see myself doing or becoming so what is the point of college? The things that could make me somewhat happy I cant get or have. I can't  go out into the world because everyone and everything scares me to an extent. I don't trust myself so Im sure as hell not going to trust some random on the street, I see everyone and everything as a threat to me.

I have never liked myself or anything I do. The confidence and self assurances is just an act to fool people into thinking I am happy, so they don't bug me. Everything little thing that goes wrong in my life is a huge disappointment even though I expect it. I rather be alone then with anyone because I don't want to have to pretend like I care about anything that is going on...

There is so much more I want to say... but I can't even do that right because my mind is a fucking mess.

I have wrote these same things time and time again..

Im a broken record.

Why am I like this?

I'm sad for some reason, but then again I always am.

Heart

I want someone who can like what I like and vice versa. I want someone who understands that my sleeping schedule is off. I want someone who doesn't judge me for my past. I want someone who will tolerate the lame shows I watch, the music I listen to, and the books I read (especially when I freak out when something happens). Someone who will go from watching Jurassic Park to Bambi to some documentary about the ocean. Someone who like to sleep all day and feels no need go out to have fun but when we do it is an adventure. Someone who loves the little things like I do; like the smell right before it rains or the big things like our favourite book being turned into a film with our dream cast. Someone who can get me into stuff they like as I will do the same. Someone who can accept my worry and fear and helps me conquer them. Someone I'm not afraid to cry around. Someone who can help me see the beauty in my flaws. I want someone who I can just let all my walls and barriers down and be one hundred percent myself, someone who will see the good, the bad, the ugly, and so much more & for them I will do the same.

I just want someone to love me.

Second Choice.

I'm always second choice to the people around me, and it really fucking sucks (pardon the swear word). When I say "people" I mean my friends, whether it's to their significant others or other friends, I'm the one who always comes in second. And before I sound jealous and bitter I want to state why this bothers me, it bothers me because they show it off right in front of me. I feel that now that I not only live 700 miles away from my friends in California, but now I live about 40 minutes away from my friends in Arizona, if I make time and plan out us hanging out, then we should have fun together. I shouldn't have to worry about you leaving me for someone else, or you leaving me to be on the phone with someone, or just completely bringing up another person in every conversation we have, it should just be you and I enjoying each others company since we don't get to be together often. BUT no in every friendship, even down to my "best friends" their is ALWAYS someone more important then me, and to no one I'm that one person. I'm the one you leave or just bring up others just because WHY NOT, hey I'll be cool with it right?

I just want to be someones number one, and looking whenever I was it was short lived. Instead of wasting time with people who don't seem to care, I'm just going to stop trying for awhile. It's much easier to be alone, then with someone who seems like they rather be with someone else.

I'm lonely & sad.

nothing else to say.

Push On.

It's a matter of expression.

I have no idea how to express myself to people, whether it's love or dislike I'm a bit passive about the whole thing. I'm forever pushing people away and at this point it comes naturally to me. The amount of feeling I actually expression to the people around me is minimal, it enough to keep them happy with our relationship, but not enough for our relationship to gain any depth. I think this has a lot to do with the never truly a hundred percent happy that I deal with, but at the same time I want someone to force my true emotions out of me, I want someone to push on when they ask "Are you okay?" but no ever does, yet the introvert in me doesn't mind. I think way to much, I don't believe anyone actually wants to be my friend and when I say this I mean the "real" me. If my friends knew how sad and lost I really am I don't think they could deal with me, I can't really deal with me. It's sad because I get drained so easily when I'm around people, and sometimes that extend to those who are close. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I don't. 

I just need to -- Push On.

What is happiness? Who am I?

What is happiness? As I get older I realize more and more I don't know what true long lasting happiness is. I get a taste of it every so often, but it is quickly taken away. It getting to the point where I'm starting to believe it is something I don't deserve. The bad thing is that to most of the people in my life, I am one of the happiest people you would ever know. I hate that I pretty much hate myself, it hurts but I can’t help it. I just see so many flaws in myself, and I can’t help but feel like a huge mess. The worst part is that everyone I know thinks I self-confident, cool, and just know what I want, but in reality I’m none of those things. I’m just an awkward, unhappy and lost person who sleeps all day because then I can be stuck in a dream world, I don’t want to live that way forever. It's hard when people see you one way when you are the complete opposite in .. Its like I'm two different people, everyone sees the one that is just happy-go-luck and always in charge, and I see the one that is lost and just searching for some hope.. I can pretend to be happy because it’s easy, no one wants to be around a depressed, overly paranoid girl… so I smile and talk a lot to get by. I have no one to talk to about the way I am. At this point I'm only happy when I'm listening to music alone or sleeping which is a bit sad. I don't understand myself. Who am I?

Real, True & Uncut. Take me for what I am.

I don't know where to start. I'm undecided whether or not I want to show this to people or not.

Introductions is what comes first I guess. I'm Mandisa Simpson, but I prefer and will always prefer to be called Mandy. Only my family call me by my real name.

Why am I making this? I already have a personal tumblr. Maybe because I want a place where I can reveal the REAL, TRUE, AND UNCUT me. I'm always hiding behind a mask, except when I'm alone and I want to stop that, so take this as a first step.